Small Victories

Hello friends,

Happy number “I’ve Lost Count” day of Quarantine, self-isolation, social distancing, whatever you define with. Sorry I haven’t written sooner. I have been having a bit of a rough go the last few days. I am having a hard time making sense of my days when nothing really makes sense. I am lost at times, wandering around aimlessly trying to figure out how to fill my days. If you’re like me, you are one of the unfortunate ones that are now without a job during all of this craziness.

Lately I’ve just been feeling lonely without really being alone. Before, I would have been struggling even harder at times not wanting to eat, and at other times just wanting to eat everything in sight to fill the void. But as I mentioned in an earlier blog post, eating does nothing to fill that void and only leaves things worse. So I have embraced the confusion and feelings of doubt and, even, in a way, worthlessness. Without a job, no kids, and having already cleaned my house multiple times that even my toilet smells like roses, I have nothing of substance that I can find to pass the time. So it feels to me like I am just wasting my days away.

So after being in a continual slump the past few days, I decided to go for a bike ride to get some fresh air and just get out of the house, where I am afraid I might have left a permanent butt dent in the middle of my couch.

As I was biking, the inspiration for this blog post came to me. I realized being out in nature is the perfect way to get out of a slump. It is the perfect place to find inspiration. With the sun beating down on me, working up a good sweat, feeling the wind beat my face and whip across my back, seeing robins flutter by me, I was able to just think. And although sometimes thinking too much can be a dangerous thing, this time it was just pure clean perspective. I came to the simplest, yet grandest of conclusions:

I HAVE BEEN VICTORIOUS!

But Allison, I thought you just said that you felt worthless, that you were wasting away your days and couldn’t think of anything of value you’ve accomplished recently? Yes, I did say that. But how WRONG I was to event think such things.

Because here is the reality of the situation: I have been victorious. In my own way. Even just by writing this post.

Being a recovering anorexic, I used to always beat myself if I didn’t work out long enough or hard enough. I always thought I had to sweat gallons and burn hundreds or even thousands of calories or it wasn’t considered exercise. And then I would restrict what I ate the rest of the day because I felt I didn’t deserve to eat anything better. I would even do intense yoga practices on my “rest day”. But lately, without a gym to go to, I have had to be creative. And with enough introspection, therapy, and time, I have come to realize that even going for an hour walk is exercise and is something to be proud of. It’s getting up and moving. I should be thankful that I even have the ability to get up and move like that.

What does all this have to do with being victorious?

Victory doesn’t have to come from doing an intense hour long workout, from crossing the finish line first, from winning the Nobel Peace Prize, or from knowing the answer to every Jeopardy question and winning millions of dollars (mad respect Ken Jennings). Victory, more often than not, is in the intangible. Victory is in the small accomplishments you make every day. Especially in times like this.

Victory is simply getting out of bed.

Victory is reading a chapter in your favorite book.

Victory is FaceTiming that friend you haven’t talked to in a while.

Victory is attempting to bake something new, or make a new dinner for you and your family.

Victory is going on a walk and considering that your exercise for the day, then still eating that cookie you had been staring at all day, and not beating yourself up for it or regretting it one bit.

Victory is simply remembering to smile even when you don’t feel that you can.

Victory is that first breathe. Just taking it all in.

In the end, trophies will sit on the shelf collecting dust. Medals will be packed away in a box. Certificates of excellence will hang on a wall in a study barely used. But what you have done each day, however small, will be what shapes you, what you truly remember and rely on.

So during all this shit, try to focus on those small victories that happen around you every day.

Because every day, you too, my friend, are VICTORIOUS!